


words that water flowers

by martainez



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Questions, and finding the right answer, post coming out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-11 14:01:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19929229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/martainez/pseuds/martainez
Summary: He would call his nan and ask, like he usually does when life asks unanswerable questions. But she would most likely refer to a bible verse, and he’s not sure he’s up to listening to a book constantly trying to invalidate his existence.





	words that water flowers

The coffee is tasting sweeter than he remembers, not necessarily sickening, but still too much to consider enjoyable. He’s not been here for a while, not since they re-painted the walls and hung fake ivy garlands from the ceiling. Considering the marks on the wall just next to him, looking suspiciously like filled-in chipped paint, it must have been a couple of years. 

He’s used to being served instant coffee in nostalgic cups, or the occasional Starbucks. These three-star rated coffee shops now belong to his past. Perhaps that’s why it’s a perfect location for this day’s adventure. 

Dan’s had this day circled on his calendar for weeks, dreading it from day one, but not been able to come up with a believable excuse in time. 

Two years ago he wouldn’t even have swiped at the notification, not opened the message, and definitely - without a doubt - not answered it. He would have ignored it in hope of it coming to nothing. But it’s not two years ago anymore, and when the notification appeared, he felt almost compelled to respond. Running away from every minor inconvenience is a thing from the past - that too. 

He answered, but gave himself a few weeks for mental preparations. A date, a time, but let the place be undecided. Until an hour ago, when the guy texting him a name of a place that felt somehow familiar. A quick pep-talk from Phil and then he was on his way. 

Dan had shown up five minutes after the appointed time, in familiar fashion. A table had already been chosen and a coffee cup placed in front of his seat. The man had reached for a formal handshake, and Dan did his best to hide his nervousness. 

Pleasantries had been shared before Dan even got a chance to look the man in his eyes.   
  
John. An old mate from his late teens. One of those invisible kids, who never talked but somehow always knew everything. A ’listen but never tell’ type of person. Thinking about it, Dan’s not sure he’s ever known the details about John’s life. He knew the basics; name, age and location. But diving deep, into family and marital status, Dan would have no idea. 

Scary, because it seems like the opposite case for John. Not even teen minutes deep into their conversation and he recalls memories that Dan must have buried in his backyard back in Reading. 

John talks for as long as his lungs allow him, pausing every now and then for a breather. Dan nods when appropriate, laughs when things start to get more awkward, and spend the rest of the time sipping his way-too-sweet coffee. 

Everything seems to go relatively smoothly until John says something that almost makes Dan spit his coffee back out. 

”So, you and Phil, huh?” 

He says it so bluntly, like he hasn’t even considered the topic being one that Dan’s not used to discussing with an _almost_ stranger yet. 

He must look indescribably shocked because John continues the conversation without waiting for an answer.   
  
”I watched the video.” He raises his eyebrows, elbow on the table and head resting in his palm. 

He watched the video. Of course he did, nine million people did. Still, Dan’s not sure how to react. John doesn't seem like a total dickhead, and he’s been pretty respectful this far. Despite this, it still wakes up Dan’s fight-or-flight instincts. 

”How d’you do it?” 

This gets Dan’s attention. He must have zoned out, or this question comes from completely out of the blue.   
  
”Huh?” he says, it might be a waste of his vocabulary, but in the moment it’s everything his brain can comprehend. 

John doesn't seem bothered, rather amused.   
  
”How do you keep the fire burning for ten years?” he says calmly. 

”Uhm, I-” Dan’s completely stalling. One part of his brain thinks the answer is obvious - through great companionship, communication and to constructively respond to all your strengths and weaknesses. The other part thinks the question is way too personal and intrusive. Both parts seem equally as disinclined to cooperate. 

”I don’t know,” he ends up saying. His throat instantly feels dry and he takes a big gulp to try to fix it. John just nods, still not bothered by Dan’s empty answers. Maybe he thinks this conversation is going places, that the fact that Dan even answered with a real sentence can be considered progress. That Dan might be starting to soften up, and that juicy details will start to pour out of him in a matter of seconds.   
  
It won’t. Dan has decided as much already. 

John asks the next question with a stupid grin on his face.  
  
”Aren’t you scared that one day you’ll wake up realizing you’ve fallen out of love?” 

The words have just about been uttered when Dan feels heat travel up his back. It paints his neck and face red. 

”No,” he says with a stone-cold expression, in contrast to the heatwave his body’s currently experiencing. 

He doesn't remember every detail about how he got up and left John all alone in the booth, or how he managed to hunt down a taxi. But as soon as he closes the car door and the London air outside his apartment hits him in the face, his body starts to return to its normal temperature.   
  
* * *  
  
”Back already?” Phil says as soon as he hears the sound of the door shutting. 

Dan doesn’t bother answering, but takes his time removing his shoes and windbreaker. He lumbers up the stairs and throws himself on the couch. He lets out a deep sigh, and turns his head towards Phil. He’s already looking, a crease of worry already visible on his forehead.   
  
”How did it go?” he asks gently. 

”Might have been the last time we talked.” 

The pout Phil makes then is stupidly adorable. And stupidly effective. Because the sight makes something inside of Dan hurt. He carries so much love for this man, he’s sometimes afraid it’ll make him explode. Maybe that’s why he can’t quite stop thinking about the question John asked right before Dan vanished. He had answered ’no’ with such certainty, when in reality he had never thought about it before.   
  
The thought is silly, walking around being scared of waking up without the familiar affection in his chest. It feels as rational as being scared of ghosts and spirits. But still. Something about the fact that he can’t quite put his finger on why he’s not scared _scares_ him. Ghosts don't exist, hence the absence of fear. But love exists, and so does divorces and breakups. He can’t talk himself out of this one with a simple "it doesn’t exist".

He must look miserable when lost in thoughts, because Phil lifts his arm invitingly and says:

”C’mere.”   
  
Dan does. When enveloped in Phil’s arms it’s easier to escape your thoughts.  


He tells Phil all the details eventually. About how it all got a tad too personal too quickly. About how he blacked out when asked a simple question. And lastly, how he stormed off. He leaves the last question out. It still echoes loudly in his mind, but he can handle it. 

Phil listens closely, doesn’t interrupt other than to ask follow-ups. Over the years he’s learnt when to talk and when to just listen.   
  
Maybe that’s why Dan’s so sure of their relationship. Because they’ve grown together, like two trees whose branches grow separately in proximity to each other, until they touch. It takes a few years, but then they’re _one_. Inosculation. Husband and wife tree. Whatever you want to call it. 

They started off as two, but now they’re one. And separating them would mean risking to kill one or both of them. Inseparable in its purest definition. Co-existing as _one_? Isn’t that the slogan of love? Shouldn’t it be?  
  
He would call his nan and ask, like he usually does when life asks unanswerable questions. But she would most likely refer to a bible verse, and he’s not sure he’s up to listening to a book constantly trying to invalidate his existence.  
  
* * *  
  
They spend their evening watching a Netflix original. Dan’s not paying full attention to what’s happening on the screen, he’s resting his head on Phil’s lap while effortlessly scrolling through Twitter on his phone.  
  
He’s not paying full attention to twitter, either. He’s still thinking about it. That one question that shouldn’t really matter, but that his entire body aches to find an answer to. And he might be a step closer to finding one now.  
  
An article on faith and ’the art of decisions’ has got his mind spinning. The article never touched on the subject of love, per se, but reading between the lines has always been his forte. 

(That’s a lie. He’s lived 28 years worth of misunderstandings, and there’s definitely more to come)  
  
The subject of free will and true love has a lot in common, apparently. 

(He might not have connected all the loose puzzle pieces in his mind, but at least a solution seems to be at the horizon.)  
  
He closes his eyes and snuggles closer to Phil. The concentration on the show is now fully lost, and he might just emerge himself to these thoughts. By now, finding an answer to the question is a necessity to be able to fall asleep tonight.  
  
* * *  
  
He’s brushing his teeth when something clicks. The article he read, the trees, all the weird thoughts he’s had over the course of the day - it all makes sense. Free will, growing together, not being scared, it’s all essentials for a happy, lasting relationship. The answer isn’t black and white, it’s complex.  
  
Of course he blacked out when Johan asked him. It’s an impossible question, demanding an impossible answer. It takes so much energy to think about, that most people never bother to even begin. 

But he’s done it. He knows.  
  
He smiles at his reflection.  
  
* * *  
  
It’s late. Late late night or super early morning, depending on who you ask.  
  
If you’d ask Dan, he’d say it’s the _perfect_ time. He knows. The question has got its answer. He should be able to relax and fall into unconsciousness now.  
  
But he can’t.  
  
Because now, the echoing question has been replaced by an even louder answer. It screams and pounds, wanting to make itself heard.  
  
He _needs_ to tell someone.  
  
The thought of screaming it to John’s face is inviting, but hardly reasonable. 

The second option is the superior one.  
  
He turns his head to the side. Phil’s been quiet for the past five minutes, he must have past of almost as soon as they headed to bed. Waking him would be cruel.  
  
But sometimes life’s cruel.  
  
”Phil?” he says, reaching an arm out to gently tap his shoulder. When it doesn’t work, he does it again - less gently.  
  
This time, Phil stirs.  
  
”Phil?” Dan says again.  
  
”Huh?” Phil grunts, trying to melt back into the pillows.  
  
”Can you ask me a question?”  
  
This gets his attention. He blinks his eyes open, and hits Dan with the most drowsy look. It’s adorable, and Dan has to restrain himself to not reach out and slowly stroke his cheek.  
  
”Can _I_ ask _you_ a question?” he asks, frowning. If the room weren’t pitch black, you’d be able to see the cogs turning in his head.

”Please,” Dan pleads, giving in to his needs and moving his hand to instead caress Phil’s mop of hair.   
  
”Okay. How ar-”  
  
”No,” Dan interrupts, ”a specific question.” 

Phil raises his eyebrows, seemingly speechless. He opens his mouth, but no sounds come out.  
  
”No! No, no. Not _the_ question. I-” Dan pauses, ”John asked me a question, and I sort of freaked out. I never answered it. But I really want to. Like, badly,” he says. It’s a bad explanation, but he’ll blame it on the hour if it’s ever brought up in conversation.  
  
Phil seems to get it. Of course he does. He’s used to Dan’s sudden obsession with seemingly meaningless things.  
  
”Okay,” he simply says. ”What’s the question?”  
  
Dan repositions himself, now leaning on his right elbow. He takes a deep breath. _He’s really doing this_.  


”Aren’t you scared that one day you’ll wake up realizing you’ve fallen out of love?” 

Phil doesn’t seem phased by the question that others would probably deem sensitive. It’s a different sort of inner peace that settles inside Dan when he sees the calm expression on his partner’s face when he repeats the question. Maybe the answer won't come as a surprise after all.   
  
A small smile tugs at Dan’s lips as he shakes his head. 

”No,” he says, taking a deep breath. He’s been running what he’s about to say in his head enough times to feel sure about the wording. ”Because as I’ve grown older I’ve realized that love is not one of those simple emotions that comes and goes. Love is a choice. We find someone we’re willing to die for, crossing our fingers, hoping that this person would take a bullet for us in return. And when we do, we spend our entire life, fighting hand in hand. Sometimes we fight against the world, sometimes it’s against each other. But in the end, we’ll always be crowned as victors together. 

’falling out of love’ means choosing not to fight anymore. Sometimes that might be the best option, sometimes it’s just purely selfish. Whatever the reason is, it always has one thing in common: it’s never by accident. Being scared of waking up suddenly realizing I’ve fallen out of love would be a complete waste of time. There’s nothing ’sudden’ about it… Do you get what I’m saying?”   
  
Phil nods, his face decorated with one of those affectionate smiles that makes Dan’s heart dance. 

”That’s why you dislike calling what we have ’fate’?” he says, voicing it like a question.  
  
Dan frowns, he hasn’t thought about it in those lanes. But maybe.  
  
Phil must sense the uncertainness, because he answers his own question seconds later.  
  
”You don’t like the word ’fate’ because it takes away from our responsibility to keep this relationship healthy.”  
  
Dan’s shocked with how well-phrased that was. Words he’s been searching for for years so simply stated by someone who must surely be exhausted right now. 

”Too much?” Phil asks, scared that he might have given the conversation a turn that Dan wasn’t ready for. 

He doesn’t have to fear for too long, because Dan launches himself forward until he has his lips against Phil’s. The kiss is sweet and affectionate, rather than heated and hungry. A quick reassurement that this is exactly what Dan chooses to love, and what he will continue to love for decades to come.  
  
”Just right,” he whispers, a weight lifted off his shoulders. 

**Author's Note:**

> I've been absent for a few months, and wow, everything hits different huh. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, I appreciate all the love I've received while being away!


End file.
